[i feel it; indeed]

[for my pain.]
i seek out affection from recent loves. and im banging my head against the wall.
my pushes are coming back hard shoves. and everything is starting to make me fall.
i cant fight, im taking off the gloves. my guard is down and you just dont care at all.
all you want to do is continue the fight, even after the unfurling of the white flag.
when i think i know what is right, i stand again to be your punching bag.
my heart will bleed the darkest blood when my eyes see the burning truth.
my body will ache with every hit and ill try my best to keep from hating you.

[for my love.]
sometimes we dont know what to do til its too late.
i just hope there is something in you heart that is telling you to wait.
im sorry for all ive done and i want to make this better.
either way, ill continue to love you always and forever.

[for the life i wish for]
a chance at rebirth
to prove my worth
cure the pain
to clear the rain
a kind heart to love
someone to dream of
salvation
consolation
no more prostration
save me from the state of unending aberration
suddenly. quickly. without hesitation.

[for her lack of consideration for my desperation]
weak in the knees when you think of me
reminded of memories so constantly
and a little more than im led on to believe
especially when you talk of me regularly
its unnerving what it is im observing
when youre conserving things that are undeserving
itll certainly trouble you these lessons im learning

[for my anger]
i say fucked up things when im mad. dont we all?
get over it and stop running me into the wall.
youve made your mistakes too so leave me out.
you just want something to be angry about.
fuck you fuck off. i refuse to even give a shit.
i wont pay sympathy to your tragedy
when you cant find empathy for anything about me.
the things you say you see, im seeing as well.
and i suppose if we meet in another lifetime.
im absolutely certain itll be in hell.

[kaleidoscope]

im setting myself up for failure with attempts you so naively ignore.
i couldnt be what you wanted or what i wanted for that matter.
with a heart so brittle, i was always meant to shatter.
some say you are unloveable.
i see what they mean.
some days im uncomfortable with the in between.
some days i walk with a tourniquet to stop the bleeding; havent you seen?
so i took you under my wing, hoping you had your answer
but at this point, you miss me like a survivor misses cancer.
just remember i never wanted it to come to this.
disaster-ships are my specialty.
relationships arent my cup of tea.
i never could make you happy.
love lost but not forgetten.
ill save your picture for the same reason
people save souvenirs from disasters.
and the pictures of us together and im smiling?
i threw those away because it only reminds me that im dying.
and so every night i dream about killing myself,
because it seems that everyday i wake up in hell.
i need to bury this, im going to go find a shovel.