An essay

Issue #1
I think about my ex of 3 and a half years.
She took up a good bit of my life considering my age.
I don't feel it's a crime or a spite against anyone that i think about part of my life.
I don't think about her or pine for her in a crippling way to where i stalk and spy on her to find out what she is doing. Nor d
I dont contact her.
I dont have any relationship with her. I only know that shes alive.
Sometimes I think about what i could have done wrong to cause her to leave with another guy that I feel was below her standards. and below mine. at least appearance wise. (Appearance is not everything, admittedly. Im sure he is a fantastic guy that deserves her attention)
Ive realized that she deserves to be happy in any path she chooses and I am not the one to choose it.
I care that she is happy and satisfied with her life.
Yes, she was my first true love. I will care about her.
She is not the person that makes me happy. or upset. or anything.
I do miss her. In a way that is totally natural and human. And totally controlled to a reasonable normal amount. I will not deny that we had good times. We had bad times.
What I remember about her was that she stuck by my side when I wasnt around for 7 months. Some of you know the reason for my absence.
My question as to why she left is a personal reason. I care to know my flaws, find criticism and better myself as a person.
Where it may be true, yes, it is a little weird to anyone I would be in a romantic relationship with, that I even think about her. I understand the tense jealousy and rousing suspicion created.
However, I do not care to figure out what I did wrong in an effort to fix my mistakes and rekindle a romance that had begun to wither well before we broke up.
I have gotten over the bulk of my problems and I have moved on.
I do not want to be with her. I do not care to know if she would take me back.
and, finally,
i cannot not be expected to forget about parts of my life to protect the feelings of someone else. the new person should not feel that he/she is being compared.

Issue #2
Issue #1 has affected me recently.
The girl I was most recently seeing had an issue with me having the thoughts of her on my mind.
This is not fair, considering she has explained what happened in her past relationship that ended fairly close to my relationship.
I do not believe she never thinks about her ex in any way shape or form.
And to deny that she does is a lie.
She has admitted that there are reminders all around her.
In this situation I have been lied to, regardless of the denial.
Unless I was constantly talking about my ex, going to see her, talking to her and crying that she left me is ultimately a sign that I am not over her and would make sense given the result of my current situation. However this is Not the case. This situation is panning out the way it would if I was not over her. Hence, the actual situation is grossly blown out of proportion.

Issue #3
the inevitable demise of an unhealthy relationship
given the circumstances presented in issue 2, there is enough friction to produce disastrous results. Mostly stemming from personality flaws. Both parties are guilty of this in any relationship. No one is perfect. However, there are personality traits that can over power the mundane and perfectly destroy a relationship.
Three of these sabotaging traits are jealousy, insecurity and immaturity.
Funny how these tend to be reoccurring themes in my relationships...
Lets analyze these nouns...
Jealousy
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

a certain amount of jealousy is perfectly reasonable and almost expected when talking about certain subjects. especially, past relationships in any context.
sometimes jealousy becomes out of control. to the point that it can be crippling to a persons emotional state for fear of rejection or abandonment.

Insecurity
1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt: He is plagued by insecurity.

insecurity is a potent poison to a relationship for the simple fact that a lack of confidence and self esteem can lead you to believe you will always be wrong or even a horrible person regardless of what is said to make you feel otherwise. the age old statement 'if you cant love yourself, how can you love someone else?' is called to attention. the saying is true, sometimes your insecurities of someone leaving; etc. will be prevalent in your subconscious and very well may come flying out at the wrong times and you can tragically ruin a relationship yourself. (I have been guilty of this, by the way)

Immaturity
Immature - 1. Not fully grown or developed.

Just to clarify this meaning in terms of personality in respect to relationships; you have to have a mental state that is able to handle stresses of daily life, situations and personal relationships. There are instances that everyone is immature for the simple fact that you just have not experienced whatever it is you are dealing with before. So you have no perspective on how to handle the situation. A young person, a person with few life experiences or even someone in denial about themselves can exhibit immaturity. I am immature in areas and in others I have gained the necessary wisdom to handle a situation that may come up again.

Now that I have discussed the relationship damaging traits in part, Im going to combine them into a destructive relationship-killing cocktail. First we have jealousy, which alone it is annoying and easily cured for most individuals through security and repitition of fond activities such as cuddling, spending time together, what have you. Notice, i mentioned security, if you take security out of the statement, and you are insecure, you question the validity and truth of the person you are with. He/She is cuddling with me, but is he/she thinking about someone else?? Now this mind frame is going to begin to unravel the relationship at the seams, it may take a while, but it will happen. Sometimes if not always, these emotions can be kept in check and the relationship maintained positively, by a little thing I like to call maturity. If the person you are with is immature these emotions of jealousy and insecurity will run amuck and will eventually put a crippling stranglehold, or worst case, a devastating death grip on your relationship.
jealousy + insecurity + maturity = annoying but managable
annoying but managable jealousy and insecurity - maturity = certain doom.
jealousy and occasional insecurity is something that can be controlled with maturity. if you lose maturity from the equation you cannot stay a strong couple. People that stay together are mature enough to handle themselves in situations. Mostly because they acknowledge that both of them are IN love and want to stay IN love. So when you are IN love you work out your differences, you work on each others insecurity and jealousy. If you are not mature enough to realize and practice this, you are not supposed to be in a relationship because you will hurt someone.

Issue #4
Deciding the key ingredients to a prosperous relationship.

Foundation - includes but is not limited to:
Trust
Honesty
Communication

Framework - includes but is not limited to:
Love
Nurturance
Provisioning

Finish - depends on ones vision of a relationship (this is my goal):
Marriage
Children
Growing Old In Love

Issue #5
The pieces of the puzzle that are missing

You cannot see the picture if you do not complete the puzzle. And yes, smartasses out there, you can see the finished picture with a few pieces missing, but in terms of relationships, the pieces are really big so you miss the big picture.
With my most recent relationship, I had abundant communication. And for the most part almost total honesty. But no trust. I had trust until there was loss or decline of honesty. Nearly 100% in the form of a broken promise. She never had trust for personal reasons.
If you dont build a strong foundation YOU CANT BUILD A FUCKING HOUSE. Pure and simple. So dont even think about finishing.

Issue #6
My current frame of mind
Right now, I have realized that I have said some things wrong, either out of frustration, anger or just plain selfishness that really hurt her.
I said I hated her. Which in retrospect I was only mad that she broke a promise and was mad at the situation. I dont hate her, I dont hate anyone. Sometimes we lose control of our thoughts and in utter frustration and an attempt to gain control of our thoughts we say or do things that border on absurdity. Crossing way over immaturity. My biggest weakness is anger. My anger prevents me from rationalizing the situation and i end up reacting unappropriately. I either end up breaking something that belongs to me or saying hurtful things. Its immaturity at its finest. Guilty. However, my anger is limited to that. I have never hurt a living creature out of anger, and I know I dont have the ability to. Its been tested. Trust me. I couldnt do it. My anger management counselor taught me, sometimes the best way to handle an anger inducing situation is to walk away from it, cool your nerves, and return when you are better able to handle the conversation or what have you.
I have been bullied and had my mistakes rubbed in my face for no reason other than from what i assume, from a third party source, that she feels the need to induce a feeling of deep regret for my actions. What is not being explained by myself or maybe just not believed by her is the fact that I am completely aware of my actions and words and how they affect other people. I have an extremely strong sense of empathy. You can tell me I dont understand. Yes, I do understand. I just dont feel what you are feeling. There is a difference.
Making me feel bad, then worse for something I did wrong, then reminding me by rubbing it in my face is an act of absolute immaturity.
Quite frankly, if she loved me and were in love with me, the way she insisted, she would be handling this much differently. She would be helping me get rid of memories with new ones with her and not letting her raging jealousy and insecurity tear apart this relationship she very often reminded me was the most important thing to her. In all honesty I am questioning the idea that she really was IN love with me.
I am sure that she loves me or at least cares, but there is a difference between loving and being IN love. She does not seem to want to work this out. This is blown out of proportion. My ex did not ruin this relationship, nor was it my innocent (although admittedly unneccesary) thoughts, it was her raging insecurity and blind jealousy.
I would not be suprised if I received a retaliation from this blog entry. I would be told that Im trying to make myself the victim and that Im the one that is immature and isnt handling this correctly. Ill go ahead with a preemptive approach and just make it known that if she is going to react that way and deny any responsibility to our breakup, she will be no better than what she is accusing me of being. If she is IN love with me, and is mature, she would take responsiblity for her actions and statements as I have and we would work on this situation to produce a positive outcome.

Issue #7
Crossroads
I do not know if I am content with the thought of restarting a relationship with someone that is completely unable to take responsibility for their actions and words. Nor am i happy with the idea that i could never make her happy. Her jealousy, insecurity, immaturity, lack of control, self-defeating attitude and low self esteem just do not help my own state of mind when i am constantly trying to pick her up. I do not like walking on eggshells and watching what i say for fear of hurting her feelings. We decided honesty was the best policy. Only one of us has been respecting that. She can not take criticism without spiraling out of control on a super low self esteem trip. BUT, I am guilty of getting upset when Im told something about myself, but eventually I let it sink in and then I can see what i did was wrong and I can adjust my behavior. I say some stupid things that end up making me look immature and reckless. But point being, We are hurting each other with that. Her defense mechanisms also pose an immense obstacle. Her guard is up, which by her words, is impossible to break down.
It has also come to my attention that she lied to my mother. and spoke of things in half-truths, which by my reasoning, is still a lie. Half truths only tell the better half of the story to hide something. That is lying.
As well, I have recently been educated on the fact that she is badmouthing me to her friends when our discussions should be kept on the low down. Anything I tell my mother or my closest friend are confidential and they do not take sides. I am aware that she uses a biased explanation to get the reaction she needs to feel right and just in her reasoning for doing things. Thats called manipulation.
These are the reasons I dont feel I can continue any sort of romantic relationship.
And after an intimate relationship is over, I cannot be her friend. Its too hard on me, its possibly a self centered feeling, but in all honesty, everyone is about themselves from time to time. I help out when I can but at the end of the day, especially when Im really hurt. I come back to my center, which is me myself and I. Right now, I have to do whats right for me. Not giving you what you want.

Issue #8
How many good things were there that can outweigh the bad?
Given the current circumstances of immaturity and lack of honesty I dont know how much of our relationship was actually real. The way I see it, right now, she should want to work on this instead of pushing me away. And really prove to me that she meant it when she said she loves me and wanted to get married. But I dont forsee that happening. I dont know that the good outweighs the bad at this point, so I guess its time to admit defeat and stop analyzing a dead situation.

forgetting things...

ive learned that remembering things about past relationships does not help current ones. your overwhelming urge to understand your current relationship based on past ones is an act of futility. for the simple fact: you are not with the same person. different rules apply. get over it. move on. your defense mechanisms developed out of negative experiences are rooted in the misconception that everyone will act the same. your past is the past. the future is uncertain. you can be cautious but then again, take a risk. you may just end up being so happy, you would nt believe how silly you were...